Birthday…

Yea…. it happened again… the birthday.  43 Years ago on June 1st, I was brought into the world.   The distances I have gone and the things I have educated myself in sometimes make me wonder if it was all worth it so far.   Anger, pain, joy, laughter and happiness.   I have experienced them all at some point in my life.  Some more than others.  

The chocolate cake

 

I reflect on the past year as one of major changes in my life.  I have a lot fewer friends than I ever thought I had.  I have come to depend on myself more than ever to maintain some sort of sanity.  Sure there have been moments that I just wanted to say “Screw it all…” but I continued on.  I always figure that there will be some sort of bounce back.  There have been lessons learned over the past year.  

 

I learned that technology, when used for more than just screwing around on some social site, can be used to learn.  Even just 6 months ago you could have asked me to cut a piece of wood and I would have told you to see someone else out of fear of making a wrong cut.  Now I have enbraced the wood as it would be… I work with it.  Sure I have made wrong mesurements and wrong cuts… I have thrown pieces that I screwed up and I have walked away only to return and finish the project.  They may not have been perfect but they were complete.  I have taken an expensive type of wood and created what was said to be way too hard to do.  I found some peace within the wood working.  It keeps my mind busy and I dont have time to think about other problems I have or have had…  I have purchased MANY new tools to complete my shop.  Training myself on them only using only the internet.

 

 

 

  

 

I found that no one really cares if I make major changes, or what one person called “drastic changes..”, in my life because for the most part most of them had already given up on me anyway.  Im still coming to terms with this one… but oh well.  Ill be around if they ever call again…. they might not… but thats ok to.  There are still tons of bad days… but there are also days that are just normal which is all I really need to live.  Normality is something that I seek.  I still call it my “New Normal”

 

I found that there are others like me out there that just want to get over their problems and we chat all the time.  At least they have some sort of understanding of what I have gone through and I know where they have been.  Its hard to undestand what a person is going through unless you have been there.  We know we are not perfect and never will be… we accept it and look for those who are willing to listen… yea… just listen without going into some GIANT diatribe about how we should “just stop thinking that way…” or “think about something else…” when  it never works quite like that.  Like Paul says: “Everyone I know is beautifully and delightfully fucked in some wierd way..” which is so true now.  So true….

 

I have found that you can in fact live with loneliness.  Its a fact  and you CAN smile through the pain and fool people in thinking everything is ok.

 

I found that chocolate cake and champaign actually DO taste REALLY good together.

I learned that the Earth is round because it is in space… hmmm… go figure all liquids in space go to round.

 

I was also able to catch up on a lot of documentaries I had been wanting to see on Netflix.

 

I found that there are WAY to many ways of thinking about life that one could actually go nuts tryring to find the right one.  I guess it all really comes down to how to just get by the next day.  

 

I found that if you listen to certian people in your life that you trust and dont think the thing out yourself you could end up with less than what you had when you started and be even more alone than ever.

 

I found new music and artist that I never knew existed.  I have also found that the music speaks to the heart no matter what the language is.  If you feel the music you will get the message. 

 

I guess it all boils down to the fact that Yea… I had a pretty shitty birthday that only 3 people in my life remembered which I guess is ok… My mother called at least.    I got a few new things in my life.  I felt a little lonely that night… but I survived which I guess is more important.

 

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Honesty…..

So….. As it would be in todays world we all  deal with asses.  Crooks, scammers, jerks… they are everywhere.  I could go out to the front door of the shop I am working at  on Bourbon St. and point out 10 right now trying to steal money from some tourist.  “Hey buddy! Nice shoes you got there.  Bet you I can tell you where you got’em.”   Will ring out across the street nightly and I just know that some poor tourist is about to fall for one of the oldest scams in the book.  Out of pure fear they will hand over the money even though they dont have to.  It makes me sick and I do everything in my power to fight them but alas until visitors learn that they have rights not to have to  pay they will continue to be robbed.  BUT…  that is not what I am writing about today… No.. today I am going to talk about Jimmy Tobias.  Thats his name Jimmy Tobias.  I AM using his full name because if ANYONE needs his name announced its him.  

I was walking to my job today and as I came up on the famous street I noticed a fellow Bourbon St. worker on their way home.  She was busy texting on her phone and not paying any attention to the fact that when she pulled out her phone to text she also pulled out a fifty dollar bill which floated behind her to the sidewalk.  Now anyone walking in this area knows that many of the  before mentioned crooks are normally hanging out and would think  nothing about walking by, picking it up and walking off without saying a word to the person  who  dropped it.  She worked hard at a local bar for that money and as absent minded as she was about it the fact remains its hers.  Thats when I saw the door to the FedEx truck fly open and the driver jumped out and yelled for the lady.  She stopped and turned around.   He ran across  the street and grabbed the money in his hand  and said “Miss.. You dropped this….”  He looked at the fifty and said “You dont want to be loosing this sort of cash… you would miss it.”  She shook her head with disbelief at her own actions and thanked the man. He said your welcome and ran back to his truck.  

In this day in age when you can hardly find anyone you can truly trust, it is the actions of strangers sometimes that make our day better.  After walking on a little bit I thought to myself, “That was a really good thing that man did… he deserves more than just a thanks.”  I went up to the truck and knocked on his door.  He opened it up and was smiling.  I told him  “That was a good thing you just did for that woman.”  he replied “With times as tight as this I knew she would be needing that.”.  “You did the right thing and you are a better man for it.”  I put out my hand to shake it.  He grasped my hand and shook it.  “You  deserve more than just a thank you.”  I told him.  “Give me your name and any truck information that will let them know who I am talking about.”.  He got one of his door tags and wrote his name on it.  I took the info from him and told him I planed on calling FedEx and letting them know of his good deed which I did.

My writing this is to no way get kudos for myself but to share a deed done by a guy who had no  obligation to do what he did.  It was refreshing to see that there are still good people running around down here in the French Quarter.  So here is a raised glass to Jimmy Tobias!  May he live a long and profitable life even if he does work for FedEx.  🙂

 

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Metal…. errr.. Art…

As I stated before in a prevous post… The holidays drive me crazy.  All the getting out into large upset groups of people  trying to out purchase people who  are buying  you presents… It can drive you mad… MAD I TELL YOU!   Now dont get me wrong, I get the whole “Real reason of Christmas” and “Goodwill” stuff.  Dont see it much, but I get it.  I did this “shopping” thing one day out of this season and all I found was stress and depression.  

 

Thus bringing me to the metal.  A few years back I had a job that I was helping a guy with the eletronics on a metal gate.  He had a welding company but did not know much about the eletronic part of driveway gates.  I offered to help him out with the one job which turned into me learning to weld.  I watched him  put two  pieces of half inch steel together and I wanted to be able to do  that.  He let me try… and ill be damed if I didnt love it.  There I was working  with eletricity, controled lightning, heating metal up to 2500 degrees, moving the pool of molten steel around and making two parts one.  Then taking many single parts I had just joined and joining them together and making  a gate or a fence.  I found satisfaction in this.  An overwhelming need to do it again every time I did it.  Sadly one day that need came to an end because of lack of need for me to do it and anger.

 

It Can Be Better

I went on to purchase my own equipment and I did a few jobs.  Frustration was all around.  I could make the rails and gates but up rails and down rails evaided me.  Every time I would measure somehow I was getting it wrong.  I was not making enough money and it came time to find a real job.  Once again metal went to the side.  

 

I had all but given up on anything but quick de-costruction jobs and a few pieces of art but there was no passion for me in it anymore.  Thoughts kept going through my mind over the past two years just to sell the equipment and do something  else with the money.  But I would always find a reason to just keep it, or an excuse to just keep it.  I could do the jobs.  I just needed enough money to get the gas tanks to  be able to heat and bend the metal  In my book a MAJOR part of being able to do things with metal.  Then it happened…. The garage sale.

 

Yes I am refering to the garage sale  we just had and I posted on a few weeks ago.  We were cleaning up after the sale and there were three small doors that belonged to my boss.  She asked me “Could you put hinges on  these and make it to where I can put mirrors in them?”  I told her “Sure, why not.”  I put the parts in the shop in back, which was now clean again, for when I had time to go get the hinges.

 

A few days later I was at Home Depot and wanted to get the hinge job done.  I just wanted it out of my life.  I picked up the hinges and get back to the house.  Installing the hinges was  no big deal.  Eight little screws and I would be done.  I pre-drilled my holes for the screws and installed them.  I stood the work up and looked at it.  I had acomplished  something.  I had really followed through and gotten this together.

 

Now looking at these three boards hooked together and knowing that there were still going to be mirrors on them I decided it needed more.  It needed something I had not done in a long time.  It needed metal.  The design process is probably one of the best parts of welding.  It is creative and once you get the juices flowing it can become too much.  After going through many different add ons and changes from something that looked like railing down in the French Quarter finally it ended  up being some simple scroll work with a cross in the center of the big mirror.

 

I got my sticks together of scrap that I had gathered around the scrap area of the shop and started preping the metal.  Of course this took awhile due to the fact that I have so many “drops” that I keep and the sizes of the metal that I needed were buried under other pieces it took awhile to gather it all but I found some wonderful solid bar stock that was well over a hundred years old as well as some flat bar to make the scroll out of.  

 

I started with the sides.  A simple scroll at the top with some flat bar and solid stock for the front down.  Then to give the edges a peak I went up with a short piece to bring it to  a flowing point to match the middle when I got to it.  After grinding and brushing then welding and brushing and grinding again I got the shape I wanted for both sides.  I set them on and it was a great start.

 

The middle part was a little more difficult to do.  Two  flowing pieces  to match the ones on the sides, two scrolls in the middle then the cross.  I got most of it done then I started working on the cross.  I measured twice… I cut once… several times.  It seemed every time I would cut the “arm” sides of the cross, one was eaither  to short and I would have to recut or when I welded it and looked at it the thing was not straight.  It took me two hours just to get the cross correct and finish up with the top.  

 

 I put the pieces in place and looked at it.  It was actually coming together and looked nice!  It was almost time to paint.  I looked at one of the sides that was not really as level as I wanted it.  I picked the piece up and started to bend it out and… snap… There went a hour.  Well,  frustration set in and I went ahead and repaired the part.  The next thing was to drill holes in the metal to attach it to the  wood after painting.  Its all well and good if you have a drill press to make holes but to do it  with a hand drill was just a pain.  Lucky for my I had saved a little money from faire this year and was able to go get a drill press for later  use but for this project I had to use the hand drill.  After cussing and pushing down hard I was able to get the holes drilled.

 

Drilling  and painting and putting it all together  ended up smoothly and I finally came out with this finished product.   I guess what I am trying to get out in this post is that the real comfort is in the process of making  the object.  I find comfort in pushing  and drilling and grinding metal into a useful object is great for keeping the mind busy.  Now that the project is finished I am starting to look at new projects like it so that I can do it again.

 

 

And Here It Is

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Holidays

Morning my friends…  Yep its December 25th, 2012.  Christmas Day… So far uneventful around this house.  I can say that finding a station that is not 100% Christmas music is hard today but managed to find it.  A BIG thanks to Bayou 95.7 in New Orleans for helping out!  They are playing a few x-mas tunes but for the most part just the regular play list.  All evening last night all they could talk about is how bad the weather was going to be all day today. Needless to say its 71 degrees outside and the sun is out.  Wind is kinda high but I can live with that.  Now they are saying that the bad stuff wont be here until after 4p tonight.  Thats good because it will give kids out there a chance to play with the toys and stuff they got this morning after tearing open the boxes and making a mess around their trees.

 

I have to admit that I dont really miss the whole tree in the house and gifts over flowing from underneath, taunting me  for weeks to come take a peek at what was in store for Christmas morning.  I really enjoy being able to sleep in a little on Christmas day insted of staying up all night, trying to sleep but not being able to because of the excitement of getting free stuff.  Taking all that time putting up lights all over the house for others to look at only to have to add that to the list of stuff I have to clean up in the weeks after.  I have enough to do in my life without adding more to it.  Now dont take this part of the post as me saying Im depressed.  Its true that I dont handle the holidays well but today Im ok.  It would be great to have family all around and talking and laughing and having fun.  Just not in the cards for me this year or the past 4 years for that matter.  You come to terms with it and move on.  You look at the good things that come out of not having to deal with the pressures of the holidays.  That being said I hope that those of you with your families today are having a great time, getting the things you wanted and eating great food.  I am going to fill my day with working around the garage, may play a video game or two, eat, sitting in the, now hot, hot tub and finishing up this blog post for publishing later today.  

 

This year has been a strange one.  Not as bad as last I will admit but a time of change and flux.  Hell even the past few weeks have tested me and others to their limits.  Even my Mother, who normally likes Christmas, has kinda put it on the back burner just to see it out.  Now the news is, for the most part, always about problems but with all the violence goinng on and the economy kinda tanking over the past few years, Christmas is not the cheer and warmth it use to be.  Ill be posting a longer post on my thoughts about the whole year but I spent time meditating on the whole holiday thing the other day and decided to talk about just a few of the things that happenned this year.

 

This year I was able to make it the entire year without gettinng sick.  I know… still a week left but Im planning on making it. I started taking my medication and it really does help for the most part and it helped me loose over 35lbs.  I got a lot of cleaning done around the garage and the house got repaired for less than most had to pay because I did the work myself after Issac.  I got back to doing some creative welding, which turned out ok.  I made a great new friend (shout out to Heidi) whom I have already tested to the limits and she still continues to talk to me.  I made a few dollars.  I got my torch kit, hot tub is useable again and I started this blog.  I met Josh Gates (a really cool dude), still have my job in the Quarter, made it through faire, helped others when they needed me and I learned how to repair a carberator on a small engine.  I didn’t kill anyone, on purpose or by accident, I quit Facebook (at least for awhile), twitter and most social media and I found out who my real friends are after doing so.  To those real friends out there who are reading this, I hope you got EVERYTHING you wanted for Christmas and more!  To the others and sudo friends… well… Fuck’em…  So far the phone, for the past  24 hours,  has played its favorie Christmas tune… Silent Night… but thats ok. People are busy and I understand and Im good with that.  I guess the most important thing that I made it through another year and another trip around the sun.  

 

Hugs and kisses to those friends of mine who made it this far down this post and I hope you have a blessed holiday season.  To those who are just reading my blog for fun and have no freaking idea who I am… well thanks for reading and I hope my future post will be more interesting and I hope you return as well to continue reading my drivel.  Be sure to call someone you know is alone this season just to say “Hi”.  To some it means the world.  Now…. When is that roast gonna be ready?!?  I got shit I gots to get done today!

 

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Garage Sale.

Hey nuts… Its me again… So…  Over the past few weeks I have been working the Louisiana Ren Fest and have been  quite busy with that.  Doing the RenFest can blow a lot of money.  You have garb (clothing), gas, food, tent repairs (if any), make-up (Im a troll… no really… a troll) not to mention all the drinks for the night.  Well this year about half way through the faire I get a call from the boss.  It seems that the Flea Market that she had stuff at in Hammond, La. is not going to well and she is having to close the booth.  She tells me that she would like to have a garage sale at my house which is actually out in Metiairie,, about 15 miles from downtown New Orleans.  I think about it and figure that it would not be a bad thing to get some of the money I am spending  back.  “Sure. Why not.  It sounds good to me.” I say knowing that I have a HUGE amount of junk in the extra bedroom in my house.  What could possably go wrong?  

Now three weeks out is plenty of time to get stuff together and even pull more from other areas of the house not to mention the garage which needs cleaning bad… thats for sure.  Faire is my main motavation druing this time so needless to say at the end of the weekend, on the long drive back from Hammond, I usually think about the weekend.  I get up on Monday and recover, this needs to happen, and gain my  voice back.  On Tuesday I am all about getting ready for work and getting stuff done that didnt happen druing the weekend.  Then Wensday I work the day shift so I get up after working the night before until 12am and get back to the office for 10am until 4pm.  Thursday is always spent running around getting stuff ready for Friday morning when  I head back to faire.  So needless to say the garage sale was NOT on my “high” list.  It got forgot and basicly put aside until the last weekend of fair.  I remembered that it had to happen.  

On the last weekend of faire I always stay until Monday because I need to say goodbye to my friends that I will not see for another year as well as pack all my tent stuff and head back to Metairie and unload.  I get a call from my boss asking me if im ready for the next weekend and I had to explain how it was dificult for me to get ready because of my schedule during faire, kinnda hoping she would call it off until after the New Year.  No luck… So I arranged to have one more weekend before the sale.

The next week was full of move this, clean this, pack this, throw this.  Now that I am on medication for my ADHD I am VERY focused on anything I am working on to the point of being obsessive about it.  Things just cant be put aside they have to be up in a place or tossed.  This takes a tremendious extra amount of time but shit gets done.  My boss calls me and tells me that she needs for me to run her to Hammond to pick up her stuff from her house there.  Its Wensday morning and she wants to go on Friday morning before I go to work that night.  Saturday I have to go back to Hammond to pick up my big tent before work Saturday night.  Not to mention unloading all this stuff into the garage, which has just become clean.  I say “Yea.  Thats good for me.  I can do that.”  Remember I work until 12am the night before as well as the other nights.  We get through all that and Im just glad to be home on Sunday with nothing to do other than  get ready for the sale.

Sunday morning I go into the garage to assess how to get my tent in because of all the stuff I have brought for the boss to the house.  Its a mess but can be done.  I unload all the tent stuff into the garage.  After looking it over I get this overwhelming depression because the garage is now a mess again and I dont take my meds on Sunday.   The depression is really about what looks to me like a failure due the fact that the once clean garage  is now a mess again.  So other than unloading the tent  nothing gets done on Sunday and Im still tired from the other things.  I work on collecting things for the sale  some more then just give up for the day and go to bed.

The rest of the week is a mess with  my schedule and trying to get everything ready and of course havinng a major meltdown on the Friday night before did not help. Meltdown was my fault but still it was bothersome over the next week.  Finally on Thursday night the boss calls and says that she will meet me at 7am at my house to help get the stuff out of the garage and to the front of the house.  I start to think about this and it does nothing to improve my mood.  I work until 12am, get home at 12:30am,  lay down to sleep and get to sleep about 1am and now I have to get  up at 6am to have  my coffee before she gets there at 7am.   This gives me about 5 hours of sleep.  I get home and put my head down and my mind decides that sleep is just not an option.  I wake up hourly all night.  6am comes and I get up.

I am running on coffee and adrillian.  I start unloading the garage.  She gets there about 7:15a because of trouble catching a cab.  As Im pulling the stuff out she is helping until she finds stuff she is intrested in.  I loose her to finding stuff she did not know she had.  I finally get all the boxes out and start unloading them onto the few tables we have.  Its 7:45a and people start showing up for the sale and start going through stuff.  The sale dosent start until 9a!!!  She starts helping people while I get the other tables out as well as MY stuff.  Not to mention that my back is already  starting to hurt.  Ill admit.. my bloodpressure is rising. Im getting steamed.  Garage sale rats, my current name for the early birds, start asking me quesitons and  they all seem to be about my stuff.  Cant they see Im TRYING  to unpack the crap for them to buy.  I tell my boss that she can sell my stuff for whatever she would like but it seems she is uncomfortable pricing my crap so I take over.  I finally get everything out and its finally 9am.  

I sit there in a vegatative state answering  questions and pricing stuff.  Most of the stuff is going for a buck or two.  My boss comes to me and says that Im pricing stuff too low and I should start higher.   I know she is just trying to help but its my stuff!  I carry on.  Its the start of the day and people are asking me for deals.  REALLY!?!  I just told you that the brand new, in box, video game is $3…. hell the damn lable is on it and it says $25 and you want a fuckinng DEAL??   “No… I am selling those for $3.”   I am constantly picking stuff up and moving  it back to my tables.   Its not bad enough that the sale is all the way down the drive way but now people are asking for deals then putting stuff down just anywere they please.  Its driving me nuts.  Then it happened… and the bad part is I forgot to take my meds.

I guy comes up to me to pay for a framed poster.  I look at it knowing that my Father, who passed away back in 2003,  gave to me.  When I was getting  stuff ready for the sale I was focused.  I  was going to change from being someone who had to hold on to every memory to the type of person who would hold on to the memory and let the stuff go.  I looked at that poster as  the man handed me the $5 and I watched him walk off.  There went one of the things my Father had given me and hoped that I would read it when I felt like quitting.  It was a poster of a poem called “Dont Quit”.  I was watching my life walk away for a few dollars a piece.  It got me down.  I walked around looking at stuff and making sure I did not want it.  My mind kept goinng  back to the poster.  I sat and got a little teary eyed.  I thought about it and looked at the time.  “OH CRAP!”  My boss looked at me and  said “What?”  “My MEDS!  They are the only way I will make it through this sale!”  I ran in the  house and  took them.  20 min. later I was ok with everything happening.  I needed to focus on the fact that I was doing all this for a reason.  To clear the stuff I did not need in my life and  move on.  

I carried on for the day even after finding out that someone took me for a bunch of DVD’s because I did not check the box.  I started checking  everything after that.  I finally got to 2:30p and needed to get ready for work.  I got ready and gave the boss a ride back to her house and went to work.  After an uneventful night at work… and I MEAN unevenful, no one was buying anything,  I went home to get my 5 hours of sleep.  

The next mornning I dawn all the clothing I need to make it.  This particular weekend it has been one of the coldest weekends we have had all year with lows in the mornings of around 38 when I came out to get started.  I sat in the driveway, in the  cold, waiting on  the boss to get there.  We start uncovering stuff and she needs to come in the house to go to the restroom.  We  start to walk in and she says “You dropped a dollar.”  and hands it to me.  I didnt have my hands in my pockets but it was possable.  I take the dollar and let her in.  This day was filled with even MORE idiots than Friday was.  If it was a $1 they asked if I would take 50 cents or a quarter.  It was frustrating  but I needed to get rid of the stuff so I did make a few deals.  One of our last customers was a lady who looked a lot like a grown up version of a girl I dated back in  High School.  I just looked up and said… “Why are you screwing with me?” and continued doing what I could without looking at her.  She finally left and I told my boss it was almost time for me to get going or I was going to be late.  She made arrangements for me to be late and I rushed to get my stuff packed and took my shower and went to work.  My boss stayed behind to clean up her stuff and got a ride from her friend.  She called me when she got home and asked me how I did during the sale.  I said “About $286…You?”  She paused…. and laughed.  “I had a bank of $150 when I started and now after buying lunch for me and  my friend as well as cab rides and  buying stuff from you and her… I lost $5.”   “WTF?!”  I said…”How?!  This sale was for you to make money as well!”.  She said “Stuff Happens… Its ok.”  After all was said and done… I made more money than her and her friend and all thier flea market things and I only had about half of what she did.  

All and all I learned a few things about myself.  Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do, Sometimes you need to stay firm in your dealings and sometimes its actually time to make a deal, garages sales are a bitch to put on, always remember to take your medication and just when you think  you are letting  go of everything you dont need… the world will make sure you know there is always something there to remind you.  

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Just me.. you nuts.

Hey… I like the way it turned out… and the HAT… shit… I love the hat.